Etiuda & Anima 2008I have just gotten back from my second night at the much-anticipated Etiuda & Anima film festival in Krakow. I’ve been to three 2-hour shows of shorts now and there’s plenty more where that came from. While I was there, I mentioned to the Film Festival that I have some production people amongst my readers, and they asked me to please post the following letter for consideration.

November 14, 2008:

FROM: The Polish Film Festival, Krakow, Poland
TO: Filmmakers

Dear Filmmaker,

Hello. We, The Polish Film Festival, cordially invite you to submit your film to our festival. As the 2008 festival wraps up, we’re looking for new exciting entries for the 2009 Polish Film Festival and along with ANYTHING else we can scrape up, we want YOUR film.

We receive the same common questions from many different filmmakers and would like to go over those questions with you right away. To make this simple and assuage any concerns you might have about submitting your film, here is the Polish Film Festival FAQ for Filmmakers:

Polish Film Festival FAQ for Filmmakers:

Q: What if my film was shot on shit DV and looks terrible? Should I still send it in?

Q: What if I haven’t had any time to do any audio editing and am just using the on-camera microphone in my film? Is that a problem? Is it unprofessional?
A: We don’t care. SEND IT IN!

Q: What if my film is supposed to be a “deep” documentary about an Arab kid that annoys tourists at ruins and tries to get them to buy postcards but everyone is rude to him and no one buys the post cards and every shot is the handheld camera 1 foot from his face as he walks around pestering people? Would that be a good fit for your festival?
A: Absolutely. SEND IT IN.

Q: Do I need characters in my film?
A: No.

Etiuda & Anima 2008Q: Should there be a lot of people credited that worked on my film to surprise viewers that so many people had a hand in it’s creation, even though it still ended up sucking REALLY hard?
A: Not required, but definitely a plus. SEND IT IN.

Q: What if my film is really “artsy” and just kinda weird for the sake of weird? What if it’s 15 diconnected, random scenes and then ends with several wide shots of public places where everybody just freezes and stops walking and then they all lie down on the ground and then I include several other shots of people lying on the ground kind of like they’re dead and then the dog that I kept cutting back to with the heartbeat sound on the patio goes back in to the living room and sits across from the TV with the video of the fish in the aquarium on it before it cuts to black and rolls credits?
A: That is truly beautiful. You know what to do. SEND. IT. IN!!!

Q: What if my film is about 10 minutes long but only has a shot of cars going along a street, a really zoomed in shot of the moon REALLY SLOWLY crossing the screen, and a shot of a guy hanging off of a boat in a harbor by his arms? If it helps, I can include the sound effect of a gunshot in the middle of it and a quick cut to someone’s face.
A: We are speechless. We need this movie.

Q: What if my film is called “Karaoke” and has a fucked up bizarro German song and consists of 4 solid minutes of a full-frontal naked man screaming in to a microphone while a fat guy sleeps on a coach in front of him and his breathing is in fast motion?

Q: What if my film has literally no narrative whatsoever?

Etiuda & Anima 2008Hopefully this FAQ will take care of some of the most common questions our prospective filmmakers have before submitting a film to The Polish Film Festival. While we are quite selective in what we include in the festival, it takes a special breed of filmmaker to be included in our show.

We hope that you’ll consider a submission and then after the screening you will leave in disgust before the second set of films is over and walk home in a huff, too angry and disappointed to even go in to a bar and have a beer on a Friday night.

We look forward to hearing from you, Filmmaker.

Best Regards,
– The Polish Film Festival


Etiuda & Anima 2008So. Yeah. That is an excerpt from an email I actually sent to a friend when I got home last night. On a Friday night. I tried to think of how to describe the film festival to blog readers, and decided against re-making the wheel.

On the bright side, it has inspired me to create things. Maybe something people will laugh with, possibly relate to on some level, or even enjoy.

Ah, who am I kidding? There’s no market for stuff like that.

Send ‘em in, people.

10 Responses to “A Letter from the Polish Film Festival”

  1. brianon 15 Nov 2008 at 5:54 pm

    clearly you don’t understand true art, uncorrupted by the mass market.

  2. stileson 15 Nov 2008 at 11:01 pm

    You could have killed with your entire oeuvre. Just one damn entry deadline away from international acclaim McFury!!

  3. Gromskion 16 Nov 2008 at 12:10 am

    Yeah, I really hope Cold Heat 3 sees its way into a film festival in Europe.

  4. nathanon 16 Nov 2008 at 8:45 am

    Yes. They need Fury up in here.

    I thought about it more and realized that this whole affair reminds me of the Simpsons episode Krusty Gets Cancelled. Itchy and Scratchy go to the Gabbo show and all Krusty can replace them with is the Soviet-era cartoon, “Worker and Parasite.” See here:

  5. GaByon 16 Nov 2008 at 2:45 pm

    mmmmm…they were insulting your intelligence uh?,dont expect to much and you wont get dissapointed …. dejate llevar…dejate llevar!! hehe……my genious mua! ;)

  6. nanfanon 17 Nov 2008 at 3:35 pm

    Ahh, let’s not forget the dancing pig – or the butterfly and the lawn mower – back in your beginning days. Never know???

  7. nathanon 17 Nov 2008 at 6:58 pm

    I’m not saying they’re super quality, but they at least had a modicum of story arc, made some realm of sense, and (pardon the crass analogy) didn’t pull their pants down and take a dump on the viewers face and then laugh at them afterwards. :)

    The animation part of the festival is turning out to be much better than the film part. That’s my new strategy: Ignore the films, watch the animation.

  8. VeachEon 18 Nov 2008 at 2:58 pm

    Dude, I’m SO entering the 2009 Polish Film Festival. I have ideas. All I need is time and a camera. Money buys cameras. I’m halfway to greatness!

  9. amyroxon 19 Nov 2008 at 12:40 am

    too bad you’re not in chicago.

    i went to facets and BOOOOOYAHHHH.

    LOOK AT WHAT’S GOING ON HERE, mr. bigtyme.

  10. nathanon 19 Nov 2008 at 4:11 am

    Hah. That’s funny. They are spreading their confusion around the world. Don’t go, sister. Save yourself!

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